Eccentricity is not, as dull people would have us believe, a form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd. – Edith Sitwell
Most people believe they live lives equivalent to a tragic soap opera. My life has been a situation comedy. All of my life I have had some of the funniest, most unusual things happen to me. And every time I have told family members or friends about these events, the response is usually the same, “Only you, Ric.”
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I was in the last car in a rather long line at the drive-thru at the local McDonald’s. The whole time we inched forward to the first window where you pay no car came in behind me. As the line ahead of me diminished one of my favorite songs, Philadelphia Freedom, by Elton John came on the radio. I already had the window open, so I cranked up the volume and started dancing in my seat.
Finally, the car ahead of me moved and I was next to pay for my meal. As I passed my debit card through the window, I kept dancing in my seat, and the young lady at the window joined me. While she swiped my card, she and I were dancing, laughing and having a great time. Being there was no one behind me I stayed until the song came to an end. After the song was over she passed the debit card and receipt back through the window. As I turned down the volume and was getting ready to drive up to the next window to get my food, my dancing friend yelled at me, “For a white man you’re really good at getting jiggy and car dancing.”
Like, totally. Not totally. Like, totally.
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If you’re not familiar with the nature of cats, after they have “gone to the bathroom” they cover where they have been.
Recently I was sitting a cat named Willow while my friend Ron and his family took a week’s vacation. Mostly black, Willow has a white crest on her chest, a few small while patches on her belly, white socks on all four paws and a big, long set of white whiskers. This is my second time sitting her, and we got along pretty well this time.
The other day I was working at my computer and Willow was asleep beside me on the top of the desk. Suddenly, the urge for me to use the bathroom came on rather quickly. As I moved to get up, I created a few noises and expelled some gas. The sound awoke Willow who immediately stuck her nose in the air. She looked at me and as I got up she jumped onto the chair I had just left, smelled the seat, and preceded to try to cover the smell just like she would do for herself. The whole time I was leaving the room she kept up the scratching. When I returned she was back up on the desktop sound asleep.
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Some companies and associations spend a lot of money on their conventions. Nice hotels, excellent meals, interesting seminars and classes, and fun things to do during the off hours.
I was scheduled to speak several times in one week for a multi-national corporation that makes thousands of products and components. The convention was being held in New York City, and because the gathering was so large, attendees had to stay in several hotels. But the host hotel for the get-together was the New York Hilton on Sixth Avenue…it was the only place that had a ballroom big enough to hold all the participates and their guests (husband, wives, children, etc.).
I had worked for this company before, and since I was giving the keynote address and doing seminars and workshops on other days, they gave me a suite. I was told I could order anything I wanted from room service and any liquor or wine I wanted was on them. They even made sure I had a fresh arrangement of flowers and a basket of snacks every day (in the days before minibars). I was treated like royalty and really was enjoying myself seeing old friends, and making new ones and participating in some of the activities they had planned.
While I was invited to join them for all their meals and banquets, I particularly wanted to go to lunch on Tuesday, where a good friend of mine was scheduled to speak.
I checked the seating chart at the entrance to the ballroom, and found my place was at one of the VIP tables at the front, just to the right of the stage. I was pleased when I got to my seat to find I would be facing the podium and I would be able to see my friend’s presentation easily.
Once I found my place, one of the company hosts invited me to go backstage to the VIP lounge to have a cocktail and meet with some of the people there before the meal was to be served. I went to the guest lounge, saw several people I knew, had some nice, but short conversations and was able to do some networking (although they didn’t call it that then).
Another one of the company hosts came into the room a short time later and announced that we should all find our way to our seats, as the program was about to start, followed by lunch. I returned to my chair, helped seat some of the ladies at the table, shook hands with some people I knew, and sat down. There was a menu card: Cream of Vegetable Soup, Turbot with a white wine sauce, Filet Mignon (to your liking), Mixed Green Salad, and Black Forest Cake.
As the program’s introduction started there was still an empty chair across the table from me, which is not unusual at these kinds of things. The Executive Vice President welcomed everyone to lunch, the President said a few words, then a minister said grace. The Executive Vice President returned to the rostrum to make a few short announcements about changes for the afternoon as the soup was served. When the man finished speaking, a rather inebriated woman stumbled from behind the curtain where the VIP lounge had been, and barely made it to the empty chair at our table.
“Ish thish where I’m sposed to be?” she asked the man sitting next to her.
He looked at the name card in front of her and said that indeed was her place.
I knew this woman…she was the wife of the Executive Vice President who had spoken at the beginning of the event. Through all the years I had been doing business with this firm, I had never seen the woman sober.
Of course, being at one of the VIP tables at the front of the room, we were amongst the first tables to be served. Unfortunately there was only one salt and pepper shaker on the table and they were in front of me. I tasted my soup, added a touch of salt and quite a bit of black pepper, then passed the shakers to the right to make their way around the table.
The soup was GREAT, so I was more interested in eating it than paying attention to what was going on around the table. I made polite conversation with people on both side of me as we ate, then there was a lot scream!
“Hey, you!” bellowed the drunken woman. Every noise in the ballroom stopped, because everyone wanted to hear what was coming next.
In a voice so loud it could be heard out in the lobby to the ballroom, the intoxicated lady yelled to me, “Hey…pass me your pecker!”
Needless to say there was a lot of polite laughter throughout the room. As the laughter diminished I realized that the eyes of 1,500 or more people were staring at me wondering what I was going to do or say.
As I stood up I said, in a moderately loud voice, “Wouldn’t be easier for me if I walk it over there,” then proceeded to pick up the pepper shaker and walk it around the table to her.
The laughter didn’t stop for five minutes as word spread around the dining hall as to what she had said, and my reply. And, it was wave laughter…it would rise, then fall, and as people thought about it again, the laughs would rise again. As I looked up on the stage, the Executive Vice President was laughing so hard tears ran down his cheeks.
Every time I walked into a room to give a seminar or workshop for the rest of the week I was greeted with gales of laughter and applause.
Only You, Ric
Conitnued tomorrow…
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